Blessings

Sometimes I think I should make another blog just to share all the music I love. Music is my heart and soul and I know I share alot of it here, but it truly means so much to me. It is my way of expressing how I feel from one moment to the next every single day. When I find a new song to love, I always get so excited, and I listen to it over and over until I know the lyrics inside and out. I have been asked so many times what my favorite song, artist, genre is, etc. I have never been able to give one single answer to that question. I have over 3,000 songs on my ipod alone, and that's not including all my music on my computer, my old CDs from my teenage years, etc. I have music that ranges from classical to R&B to Country. I like to think I'm well rounded. But in other words, I love it all. I use music when I am happy, sad, angry, needing a boost of energy, needing to vent, needing to cry, I use it as a tool to help me with anxiety and panic attacks, I use it to help me fall asleep at night when I'm struggling with severe insomnia. Many times my blog posts come to my mind while I am listening to a particular song and I feel inspired to write. Music inspires me. I will get into more about music a little later in this post.

This week was crazy busy. I didn't know if I would physically and mentally survive all that I needed to do. I was praying like crazy that my Heavenly Father would strengthen me. It wasn't easy, and I walked through my tasks in much pain, and literally fell into bed in terrible pain at the end of the day. There were many days this week that I was so exhausted, but for some reason I was unable to sleep. When I don't get sleep, after so many nights, it starts to wear on me mentally. I become extremely emotional, my anxiety skyrockets, my depression returns, and eventually if I do not get a full night sleep, I will fall into a deep depression, have full blown panic attacks, and have a meltdown. But through help from above I was able to be a mother, wife, sister, and friend and help those around me this week. I was able to be there for my Son, take him on a field trip, be there for his preschool graduation, be there for his first baseball practice and help out. I was able to be an Aunt and be there for my nieces and nephews as we celebrated birthdays and I was able to be there to celebrate with them all. I was able to be a sister and be there for my sisters who were in need, but also enjoy being able to just talk with them, which I'm not always able to do when I'm stuck at home in bed. And though dishes are still stacked in the sink (though thank you Karen for helping with that!), dust is accumulating around the house, bathrooms aren't clean, I am grateful that I was able to do all I did. I have to constantly remind myself that I can't do as much as what I used to be able to before I was sick. I have to remember to pace myself, and it can be so frustrating for me. Actually it is beyond frustrating! I have thrown things at walls in frustration because of this illness and shed so many tears. But when I look back to a year ago, I have made giant strides. Last year at this time, I couldn't walk around a grocery store without feeling like I was going to pass out. I was sleeping most of the day, and I was living on pain medication on a constant basis.

I still live with constant pain and nausea everyday, and some days are worse than others. I wonder sometimes if I've just gotten used to it, or is it really starting to get better? I'm using less narcotics, though I still use quite a bit of phenergan (anti-nausea) because my gut has been ripped to shreds by over a year of antibiotics and anti-malaria meds. My joints still stab me on a constant basis and my legs feel swollen at the end the day. My legs ache like crazy each night and I take magnesium supplements and rub magnesium oil into my sore muscles to help them relax and help stop any twitching. I still rely heavily on glutathione supplementation, but since I can't give it through IV (well I can give myself an IV in emergencies), I nebulize it twice a day and it seems to help keep symptoms at bay (flu-like symptoms that would be there on a constant basis if I didn't). Some days I do forget or don't have a chance to do both doses, and I feel the repercussions from it the next few days afterwards. I also still struggle with migraines, but increasing my magnesium supplementation has greatly helped decrease the amount of migraines I have every month.

I had another monthly appointment with my Dr and we decided that the current antibiotic I had been on for Babesia for the past 2 months wasn't working. My anxiety has skyrocketed and I've been having full blown panic attacks at least twice a week, and about 2 more that I've been able to stop with medication each week (so that comes to 4 a week?), my daytime sweating has increased again. These two symptoms are two very big symptoms of Bartonella. So we both agreed that my Bartonella has come back in force and so we have switched antibiotic treatment to work on knocking down the bartonella bacteria. I hope this decreases my anxiety and panic attacks because those are always the worst feeling in the world. If you have ever had a full on panic attack where you feel like your chest has been constricted with a huge band, you can't breathe, everything in the world comes crashing down around you, you get tunnel vision, you feel your limbs going numbs,  and you are just praying that you pass out so you can get back to breathing normal, it is literally one of the scariest feelings.

So that is life here, good and bad as always. Or one step forward and one or two steps back, depending on the day. But no matter what, I try my best to look for the blessings in my life, the silver lining and do my best to keep positive as best I can. So here I am again with music. I am LDS and have spent most of my life listening to LDS artists when it comes to spiritual music. But for the past few years I've branched out and found some amazing and beautiful Christian artists that I love. One that I like is Casting Crowns. They have played music in movies like Fireproof, Courageous, and Facing the Giants (all great movies if you haven't seen them). One favorite is called "Praise You in This Storm". I listen to it to remind myself on the hard days that my Savior is always there with me even through the rain and storm:

"Praise You In This Storm"

By Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

Another song I love is from the movie Fireproof called "While I'm Waiting". Right now, to me, this song means that I will be faithful while I'm waiting and hoping things continue to improve as I trudge through each day of this illness:

"While I'm Waiting"

By John Waller

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

Well I could share many more thoughts, and many more songs. But I know this is already long enough for today. Until next time!

Under Our Skin

May is Lyme Disease Awareness Month. There is a documentary that really got my attention and helped me learn about Lyme after being diagnosed. Its called "Under Our Skin". I found a full version of it on youtube. If you haven't watched it, please do. It's about an hour long and very insightful. So in honor of Lyme Disease Awareness Month, I thought I'd post it on my blog for any and all to see. Till Next Time!

To The Love Of My Life!

I thought I'd take a little break from Lyme tonight and share a new favorite love song that makes me think about the love of my life, my wonderful husband that I can't say enough about, who has continued to stay by my side through all the thick and thin (more thick than thin through our 7 years of marriage). This song is out on the radio right now, and I just love it, I listen and think this must be how he feels as I put him through a roller coaster ride of emotions, but know he continues to love me with his all as I love him with my all. This particular version from youtube includes the main singer John Legend with my new favorite Mormon pop/rock violinist Lindsey Sterling. It's awesome! So, Enjoy! (if you get my emails and can't view the video, go to my blog website to see it). And so tonight, here's to you Honey! I Love You More!!!

                                                                "All Of Me"

[Verse 1:]
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

[Verse 2:]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

[Bridge:]
Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

Till Next Time!

Still Climbing Mountains

As most of you know, I am a Christian, and member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My Faith is very important to me, it is the biggest thing that keeps me grounded and stable in my life and in my trials. I know God lives, I know Jesus Christ lives and is our Savior and Redeemer, that he died for us so we can live with our Heavenly Father again after this life. I believe in life after death. I believe that we lived as spirit children before this life and that we are all children of our Heavenly Father. In my faith, we are able to receive Priesthood blessings. I have had many over the years as a child, and many during this particular trial in my life of fighting Lyme Disease. In these blessings, I have had strong feelings and words spoken to me that confirm to me that I chose this trial before I came to this earth, to my mortal life. I have had strong feelings that I may never fully recover from this disease, that it is a trial I will have to fight and overcome throughout my life. Over the past year of treatment, I have come to accept that this may be. I feel calm most of the time, full of faith and knowledge that God does not give us more than we can handle, and that we are not given trials because we have done something wrong, but that we are given trials to learn and be “polished” and prepared to help others in this life and in the next life. Now, just because I say all of this, does not mean I do not have days where I feel sad, cry in pain, and ask God why he has given this burden to me to bear. I have many of those days. But thankfully I also understand that I am not alone. My Savior Jesus Christ has felt everything I feel, he knows me better than I know myself. He is there beside me through everything. And though there are times I know he has to watch me struggle before he can help me, he is there watching and will help me when I need his grace the most. There is a poem that I love about footprints in the sand:

“One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
‘You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?’

The Lord replied,
‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.’

-Mary Stevenson

I have had many times when I know my Savior has carried me when I could not do it alone. I am grateful for those moments because they have strengthened my love, my testimony, and my faith in Him.

During this last weekend, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints had it’s semi annual General Conference where we are given the opportunity to listen to our prophet and apostles speak to us. There are so many wonderful talks and quotes, it is always a boost for me. One talk stuck out to me by Dieter F. Uchtdorf about Gratitude. He spoke about gratitude and having it especially during times of trials and hardships. (to see this talk, go to https://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2014/04?cid=HPSU040614654&lang=eng ) One thing I remember most is him saying “Be grateful no matter what!”. It can be so hard to find the silver lining in our trials, but there is always a silver lining and always blessings, big or small. I have seen blessings in my own life and my family life this past year in many ways. When we are in the depth of despair and hardship, we can go two directions, we can become angry with God, or we can have faith in Him and be grateful for our trial. The second is hard to do, but as we accept that he is giving us these trials out of love and to help us learn and become better people, it is easier to recognize the blessings he sends our way to help us through them.

As I’ve said before, I love music. One symptom of my disease that has been prominent throughout my suffering and treatment is anxiety.  A Symptom of Lyme, Bartonella and Babesiosis, as I've come to find out from my doctor. My coping strategies for it besides medication (which I do use), is music. I have many playlists on my ipod. One in particular I listen to when I feel an attack coming on. I have named it “When in Despair” and I thought I would list the songs I have on the list for those who might like to look them up, this list is full of music sung by many people who are members of my faith and the words and music are beautiful:

“Savior, Redeemer of My Soul” by Dallyn Vail Bayles

“My Shepherd Will Supply My Need” by Dallyn Vail Bayles

“He’ll Find A Way” by Dallyn Vail Bayles

“Homeward Bound” by Jericho Road

“Come to Jesus” by Jericho Road

“Christ of Hope” by Michelle Tumes

“Testify to Love” by Jericho Road

“My Shepherd Will Supply My Need” by Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra on Temple Square

“Draw Me Nearer” By Meredith Andrews

“Close Enough to Touch” – Women At the Well Soundtrack

“Let His Love Reach You” by Alex Boye

“The Test” by Roger Hoffman, written by Janice Kapp Perry

“Homeward Bound” by Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square

“Come Unto Him” by John Cannan (New Testament Video Soundtrack)

“My Holy House” by Algie Powers (New Testament Video Soundtrack)

“Baptism” by Paul Cardall

“Oh Lord, My Redeemer” from “I heard him Come” – Jeff Goodrich

“Healing Waters” by Michelle Tumes

“I Heard Him Come” – Jeff Goodrich

I add to this list from time to time and have many other lists I listen to depending on my mood, but this is the one I listen to when I need to feel comforted.

I apologize if I’ve already posted this song or lyrics, blame it on my lyme brain if I have… but here is the song (from youtube) and lyrics to the song “He’ll Find a Way” sung by Dallyn Vail Bayles:

When life gets crazy and you've had enough,
and the more you search for some kind of meaning
the more you feel you're out of luck;
When your mind tries to reason and nothing adds up,
lay it all down.
Take a good look around.

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

When tears won't relieve you, when your heart feels numb
and your mind keeps repeating the painful, 
thoughtless things you've done;
And you're starting to wonder just who you've become,
believe you'll make it!
Give your worry up-
let Him take it.

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

Feel His love with each breath you're breathing.
It's as sure as your heart is beating!

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'
He'll find a way."

And one more, my personal favorite “My Shepherd Will Supply My Need” Composed by Mack Wilberg, Sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square. (A personal history, my Mom and I played a flute duet of this song with our church choir when I was a teenager and I have loved this song ever since, I can listen to it over and over and never tire of it. The original compilation is a harp, oboe and flute, and it’s simply angelic! Everytime I listen, it calms me, and makes me want to pick my flute up and play it again, only it wouldn’t be the same without playing it together with my mom, I love you Mom!).

As Easter is upon us, I have deep reflections of my Savior Jesus Christ, and I love him more than I can express. I have such a difficult time expressing in speech, my testimony and love for him, mostly due to my anxiety and emotions. The best way I know how to do this is through written words and music. I hope this post gives comfort to someone in need today, as we are all going through our individual trials and hardships. I hope you can realize and remember that you are not alone as you have Mountains to Climb. For those reading this and wondering about the stories of Jesus Christ and his earthly ministry, you can read them in the King James Bible in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. And for those who may want to learn more about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, you can go to www.lds.org to learn more. Till next time…

(for my family who recieve this through email, if you are unable to see the videos, please go to youtube to watch).

Angeli- My Hero!

A while ago I posted about a skier named Angeli VanLaanen who has Lyme Disease. Well tonight I read a great article about how she made it on the US team this year for Sochi! Here is her story and the article in full:

Living With Lyme- The Angeli VanLaanen Story

 On the surface, it looked like your standard just-made-the-Olympics moment.

When halfpipe skier Angeli VanLaanen finished her first run at the U.S. Grand Prix on Jan. 18, her mother, aunts, grandmother and cousins erupted at the bottom of the pipe in Park City, Utah. Her brother, Cachaulo, watching on a computer screen, cheered his little sister's feat from San Diego.

Her score, 88.2, put her in first place at the fifth and final Olympic-qualifying contest, a spot she would hold for the rest of the event. It was her first halfpipe victory since 2009. But not until the last competitor reached the bottom did VanLaanen realize what else had happened. Fellow U.S. skier Brita Sigourney leaned over and whispered in VanLaanen's ear, "You got the spot for Sochi."

And just like that, VanLaanen's comeback -- from physical and emotional depths few humans know and from which fewer return intact -- was complete. Watching her weave down the Park City pipe, blasting off the walls and spinning tricks in both directions, forward and switch, it's easy to forget that she endured 14 years of body blows from an unknown disease. That she saw more than 20 doctors and heard diagnoses ranging from mononucleosis to a brain tumor before a test, in November 2009, finally pinpointed it as Lyme disease. That she then took three years off in the prime of her career and spent months hooked up to an IV, treating the chronic disease.

"When I landed my run, the feeling of joy that I had, I still can't find words," VanLaanen, 28, said in an interview five days later. "It didn't matter what my score was at that point, it didn't matter what my place was. I was so happy to have landed a run that showed my skiing to the highest ability that I can do."

 To grasp the full scope of VanLaanen's Olympic odyssey, you must go back to a hot summer day in 1996.

Born and raised in Bellingham, Wash., VanLaanen and her mother and brother spent one year in Green Bay, Wis., when she was 10. During that summer, they visited a local carnival; VanLaanen remembers going on rides and walking the grounds with her family. Inexplicably, she fainted.

VanLaanen's mother took her to a doctor, who attributed her fainting to the sticky Midwest heat. It happened a few more times before they moved back to Washington, but because there was not an obvious cause beyond the heat, the problem was never diagnosed. VanLaanen now believes it was the first sign that she had contracted Lyme, a tick-borne bacterial illness that, if left untreated, can cause everything from skin rash to chronic pain to psychosis.

VanLaanen's symptoms -- Lyme disease sufferers experience a wide range, with no uniform set -- evolved and fluctuated over the course of her childhood. (The bacteria move through the body in stages, so the disease confuses doctors, leading to misdiagnosis.) The worst was prolonged fatigue. There were stretches when VanLaanen didn't get out of bed for days. She withdrew from athletic competitions because, she says, "I was not able to function."

Convinced that something was seriously wrong, VanLaanen and her family consulted a multitude of doctors. One would peg it as a hormone imbalance; another thought she had arthritis. She was tested for multiple sclerosis and brain cancer. Nothing clicked.

As is common with Lyme disease, VanLaanen's state deteriorated mentally as well as physically. She experienced panic attacks and was constantly frustrated by her condition. One of the crushing blows came her junior year in high school, when a doctor told her it was all in her head.

"That was where I kind of hit this wall," VanLaanen says. "Like, OK, I've been searching for years. This health issue that I'm having, I know, I can feel that it's not in my head, it's in my body. But now I'm doubting myself. I've just got to get on with my life. I'm going to work through this and not let it stop me from living my dreams."

VanLaanen internalized her struggles, compounding the problem. Her life was unraveling, and she had no clue how to stop it.

 As kids, VanLaanen and her brother took after their free-spirited single mother, Allain. Each weekend, they made the two-hour drive from Bellingham up to Mount Baker, a small, iconic powder haunt that set a world record with 1,140 inches of snow in the 1998-'99 winter season.

Angeli followed Cachaulo and his friends everywhere they went. When they jumped a cliff or the famous Baker road gap, so did she. When they drove up to Whistler, B.C., in high school to improve their freestyle skills at the Momentum summer camp, Angeli went, too.

She learned her first halfpipe trick, a 360, from Momentum coach Sarah Burke. Burke became one of VanLaanen's mentors and went on to win four X Games gold medals before dying in January 2012 from injuries sustained in a training crash. VanLaanen's eyes still fill with tears when she talks about Burke's impact on her career and the sport, which Burke helped usher into the Olympics.

VanLaanen was 19 when she entered her first professional halfpipe competition, the 2005 Vermont Open. She won. Her star rose fast from there. In 2007, she competed in her first X Games, placing eighth. Although she was inexperienced and inconsistent, her potential was obvious to anyone who watched her ski.

"It was like, as soon as that girl starts landing runs, we're all done," two-time X Games champion Jen Hudak recalls.

"Her ability to naturally ride the halfpipe is better than anyone I've ever worked with," says Luke Allen, VanLaanen's coach, who has also tutored men's Olympic favorites David Wise and Torin Yater-Wallace.

Despite her talent, VanLaanen often crashed under the stress of competition, and her personality ebbed and flowed. Something didn't make sense to those who competed with her.

"There was a lot of whispering and questioning behind the scenes, wondering what was going on," Hudak says. "She fell a lot in contests, and interacting with her personally, she'd be normal one second and then all of a sudden she'd snap at you about something. A lot of us were like, 'This girl's crazy.'"

VanLaanen entered her second X Games in 2008 as a medal contender. During the final, however, she aired out of the pipe for a 720 and suddenly dropped like an egg. Vertigo, which came and went because of the Lyme disease, had taken over at the worst possible moment.

"I completely lost all sense of what was up, what was down, where I was in the air," VanLaanen says. "I felt as though I was just falling out of the sky. I didn't know how I was going to land, I couldn't tell where the snow was. That sense of not having control was terrifying."

VanLaanen crashed hard. Soon after, she began searching for a diagnosis all over again. The quest continued until November 2009, when her aunt watched a documentary on Lyme and finally put the puzzle together. VanLaanen tested positive for Lyme disease two weeks later.

She began antibiotic treatment immediately. At first she tried to keep skiing, but it affected her treatments, so she gave it up. She didn't ski for two years, stopped drinking alcohol and caffeine and cut down on sugar. She spent months hooked up to IV drips for up to seven hours a day. She couldn't exercise or sweat because of risk of infection. The hardest part for her mother was "just watching her have to be still."

Most of all, VanLaanen missed her community of halfpipe skiers. She held onto sadness, she says, watching the sport move forward without her. But subtle moments of hope kept her committed.

"I remember the first time I realized that a symptom had gone away," she says. "I'd had blurry vision and spots in the years when the Lyme had progressed the most, and when I could see clearly again, consistently for days without having a blurry-vision episode, it was a really emotional moment. Because I could relax knowing that, OK, this is what it is, the treatment is working and I'm getting better. But it took almost a year of treatment for that to happen."

VanLaanen slowly regained her strength from there. Her first competition back, in New Zealand in August 2012, she finished second, jump starting her Olympic pursuit.

 a sunny day in late January, VanLaanen sits in a hotel lobby (the Limelight, of course) in Aspen, Colo., pondering the next chapter in her story.

"I've never felt stronger, never felt more healthy," she says. "Especially after not knowing what healthy was for so long."

People talk about the Olympic spirit, but VanLaanen lives it. She is a dark horse instead of the favorite she might have been with three more years of training. But she does not wonder what if. "Speculation is, in my opinion, a waste of energy," she says. "I focus all my energy on what I have now."

What she has, in addition to the title of Olympian, is a unique platform to reach other Lyme disease sufferers. She answers every email. She reminds patients that they are not alone, a sentiment she struggled with before she was diagnosed.

In the wake of the hectic, six-week Olympic-qualifying period, VanLaanen sighs and admits to feeling sore and tired. She does not compete in Russia until Feb. 20, and if anyone can appreciate the break, it's her.

"It's been emotionally grueling, physically grueling," she says. "I'm grateful to my body for being so strong through it all."

http://xgames.espn.go.com/skiing/article/10347140/lyme-disease-stop-angeli-vanlaanen-making-olympic-debut

Angeli is truly my hero. After today's Dr appointment that included alot of changes to medications, and the start to treatment of Babesiosis (another co-infection of Lyme that is similar to Malaria), I am not looking forward to the weeks ahead. But when I read stories like this, I am able to keep my chin up and think if she can get through it and back on her feet, than so can I. Thanks Angeli! I will be cheering her on in Sochi on February 20th!

Brave

Dreams... It's important to keep dreaming, my Dad told me recently over the phone as I gave him a list of things I'd like to eventually do when I am feeling better. I've had a few good days this week and it's been a nice reprieve from constant pain and misery. But no matter how good, I still feel prisoner to my body. I spend endless hours dreaming of the day I will be able to run, play soccer with my little boy, ride bikes with my little family, go rock climbing with my husband, finally learn to snowboard and love it! I dream about breaking free from the chains and weight that hold me down EVERY SINGLE DAY! So today when I was able to do 10 minutes of a very watered down version of zumba in my basement, I cheered. But then I yearned for more, I wanted so badly to hop on the treadmill and run, only I knew I can't right now. So my moment of excitement turned into another moment of feeling imprisoned once again. But I have dreams, and because of that, I will keep trying and keep going.

One day I will walk a 5k (hopefully sooner than later!), and then one day I will run a 5k wearing a shirt that proudly states that I am a Lyme Disease Warrior. I am proud to state that. So I will keep fighting everyday, no matter what may come.

And those that know me, know I LOVE music, so heres a favorite right now:

                                                                  "Brave"
                                                           By Josh Groban

Wake up, wake up, the sun cannot wait for long
Reach out, reach out before it fades away
You will find the warmth when you surrender
Smile into the fear and let it play

You wanna run away, run away
And you say that it can't be so
You wanna look away, look away
But you stay 'cause it's all so close
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face what I don't understand
My reason to be brave

Hold on, hold on so strong, time just carries on
All that you thought was wrong is pure again
You can't hide forever from the thunder
Look into the storm and feel the rain

You wanna run away, run away
And you say that it can't be so
You wanna look away, look away
But you stay 'cause it's all so close
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face what I don't understand
My reason to be brave

Go on, go on

You wanna run away run away
And you say that it can't be so
You wanna look away look away
But you stay 'cause it's all so close
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face what I don't understand
My reason to be brave

So all of you out there struggling with your own trials, hold on to your dreams, be brave and just keep going, one small step at a time. Till next time...

The Refiner's Fire

Today while sitting in Church, a friend shared a story that I'd like to reshare because it hit home so deeply for me. This story was shared in a talk by Linda S. Reeves called "Claim the Blessings of your covenants" http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-relief-society-meeting/2013/09/claim-the-blessings-of-your-covenants?lang=eng&query=provo+tabernacle+fire

"Almost three years ago a devastating fire gutted the interior of the beloved, historic tabernacle in Provo, Utah. Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, “Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.”

Ten months later, during the October 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.

My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally."

Provo Tabernacle Fire 2010
Provo, Utah

The only thing standing was the exterior walls

Beginning to build the new temple using the old exterior walls

It will look even more beautiful like this when finished

My friend went on to say that sometimes when we are in the midst of trials it is easy to cry out to our Heavenly Father "why Lord? why me? why have you burned me?" If we look at ourselves as a temple, the Lord is refining us, and we do go through a refiners fire making us better, stronger, more prepared for what is to come. But you can also learn from this story that he see's further than we can see in our own lives. He knows what is best for us.

So today, when I feel gutted out inside from a bad week of suffering from excruciating pain, feeling low in spirit, and in body, it was a beautiful reminder that no matter how hard things get, the Lord is there with out stretched arms. 

If I were an artist, I would paint a picture depicting how I feel. I would paint a girl sitting at the steps of a burned building, her clothes tattered, torn, and soot on her face. In the corner, I would paint a beautiful depiction of the Savior with outstretched arms, reaching and bidding this girl who is tattered, torn, bruised, exhausted, and defeated to come into his loving and protective arms. 

Until next time...