Keep Breathing...

               So much has happened over the past few months. The biggest being, my body has now rejected the current treatment I was on for Lyme disease. The treatment I’d been on had been two oral antibiotics, two oral anti-fungals, a lot of natural supplements to fight different forms of Lyme (for example: cyst form), etc. In August, I had an appointment with my Doctor and my health had progressively deteriorated over the past few months. I had my picc line pulled this last March or April. Before then, I was at a point where I was able to walk/jog a mile on my treadmill a few days a week, a HUGE accomplishment. Within a matter of 3 months after going back on oral antibiotics, I had hit what I call “ground zero” (where I was at when I first started treatment 18 months ago). My stomach was ripped to shreds and showing signs of an ulcer among many other problems. I was in constant pain and had to continuously increase my pain medication, I was having increased day sweating, worsening flu-like symptoms, worsening body tremors and muscle contractions, increased migraines, all signs that I was herxing, and the treatment wasn’t working on the bacteria and yeast that was overtaking my body. So at my appointment in August, I was a complete mess. I had severe brain fog and my cognitive function was minimal. My Doctor can hear and tell over the phone if my cognitive function is better or worse than any previous appointments from just talking and asking me questions, but I was able to tell him how severe it was. At this point, I heard the dreaded “I’m not sure what else to try, I’ve tried all I have in my arsenal on you and it’s not working as it should be”. I’ve heard that so many times in the past from other doctors, but it was a huge blow to me to hear it in my Lyme Drs voice. He wasn’t giving up on me, but he was being honest that we had exhausted much of what he had to give. I was devastated to say the least and didn’t know what to do. I was given the option to stay on oral antibiotics (that continued to cause ulcer symptoms) or to try the picc line again. At the time we were talking, I wasn’t able to make decisions right away, so I said to stay with oral. I had no idea how to get a picc put back in when I was in one state and he was in another (he can’t make that type of order across state lines). So I would have to find a doctor here who would be willing to make the order for a picc line placement. Within a day, I had thought more through the idea and with the help of my husband, we decided to go ahead with picc placement and thankfully found a doctor who would do it. It was done before the weekend was out. By Monday I was on one IV antibiotic and one oral antibiotic. But, within that first week, I knew everything was terribly wrong. My body was rejecting all meds, the picc line, and in simple terms, my body was shutting down. I felt so sick, I can’t even describe it. I still wasn’t thinking straight. At that moment, I had help for a few days from family, but they were leaving to go home soon. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to survive by myself with my son who would be starting Kindergarten soon, when I couldn’t get out of bed, and just getting up to use the restroom or get some water was so exhausting and made me feel like I was going to pass out on the floor. So I prayed. But when I was praying and praying to know what I should do, what direction I should go next to try to treat and heal my body, it was so difficult to hear any answers from the Lord. Between pain, exhaustion, being on so many medications, I couldn’t hear or feel the spirit very easily. But through many days of talking with family, researching, and thinking about things, I came to a conclusion that I at least needed to stop all antibiotics, antifungals, and pull the picc line (this was 3 weeks after it was placed). We made another appointment with my doctor (this was the very end of August), and explained how things were going and he concurred with us that we should stop antibiotic treatment for at least a few months and go ahead and pull the picc. We asked him for ideas on alternative treatments, which he gave us, and we left the appointment with ideas to research and I still had a Lyme doctor who I would periodically check in with (but not as often as I did when I was on antibiotics).

               I found an alternative treatment that I felt that I needed to pursue, and I’m currently working on that. I will go into that treatment in another post when I know how things go. It’s a slow go, my body is extremely damaged and I’m having to give it a lot of rest, working to detoxify gently and slowly (if I go too fast, I get knocked flat with herx symptoms and severe pain and migraines), it’s been tough and extremely difficult and painful. But my head is clearer now than it was three weeks ago, I am up a tiny bit more during the day than I was three weeks ago. I’m able to at least get my little boy breakfast, off to school, home from school, lunch for both of us, and on a “good” day I can usually get one or two small house chores done slowly. But I’m having to be very slow, very careful, and listen very closely to my body and what it is telling me. If it’s telling me that it’s too tired, I have to drop everything I wanted to do that day and rest, or I will not be able to function the following day. If my muscles are telling me they are tired, I have to stop right away with whatever I’m doing, or I will pay the rest of the day with severe back pain and spasms that will lead to no sleep that night and a migraine, along with being in bed for at least a day or so. It’s still extremely difficult for me to decipher what my body is telling me. A lot of days, when I’m feeling “ok”, I do a little more than usual, and I never know when my body is going to give me “crash” signals, they come on suddenly, not gradually. It’s very hard to figure out, and so frustrating. But I have more hope than I did last month. My stomach is still very raw, it doesn’t handle much of anything (food, supplements, etc) well at all yet. So I deal with a lot of nausea, severe acid reflux, diarrhea, etc. I’m hungry, but at the same time I’m not. Diet is very difficult. I need to be better about my eating habits, but when I’m so exhausted that I can’t make anything by hand, it’s hard to eat so healthy.

               All in all, the past few months have been horrible to say the least. It has been difficult not only for me, but for my little family. As the saying goes “when Mom isn’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”, well here its “when mom isn’t feeling good, no one’s having a good day”, which has been most days the past few months. Many ask how my family does it. To be honest, it’s not easy, we have our moments (many, many moments of frustration). My husband and I wish many times how we could go back in time to when things were a little easier and things were happier. But, we also know that there are reasons we go through these trials in our lives and we know that they can make us stronger, or break us. We choose to not let them break us. I have many friends who say how they admire my strength, and I can’t help but think “I’m not strong, if only you knew how often I cry, how often I feel hopeless and in despair”, I’m not perfect, far from it. But I do write my feelings and I write about my testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ because writing about it helps strengthen me, it’s therapeutic for me. I have a difficult time talking and opening up that way because I can become so emotional, and I hate crying because I end up with a migraine afterwards. So I write. I always hope that something I write in these posts may help someone else in their own trials.

               I always talk about music, and I’d apologize about that, but I’m not sorry. I LOVE music, it gets me through the toughest of times. I love finding new songs that I can hear the lyrics and feel as if they were written just for me. I will listen to that song over and over and over, never getting tired of it. So when I find a new artist or song that I love, I want to share it with all the world! Recently I found a Christian artist called Kerrie Roberts. She is a beautiful singer and has some soft beautiful music and some really fun “dancing in the kitchen” type music as well. Last night while I was looking for more of her music, I found a few songs that I just feel I can relate to right now. This first song I love because it reminds me of what my sister recently told me. She was visiting, and on a particularly hard day, she came and sat on my bed, gave me a hug (I love hugs from my sis!) and told me to just breathe, and remember all I have to do is to just keep breathing. I remind myself of that almost daily, especially in overwhelming moments when I am losing control of my emotions and feel so much despair, I remember to just breathe. 

"Keep Breathing"

By Kerrie Roberts

"You wait in darkness

For answers that you can't see
You know what you deserve and
You’re wondering why your life is
Not what you thought it should be
When the night breaks, your heart still aches
How can you face the day, you just
Keep breathing, you'll make it
Don't give in, you're not done yet
Sometimes all that you can do is
Keep breathing and believing
Don't let go, just hang on tighter, a little longer
When you feel like you’re dying
Keep breathing
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don’t let go
No you're not done yet
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don't let go
When every moment
Is almost more than you can take
You've got to know some tomorrow
Will bring you a breakthrough
That’s the reason why
You’ve got to get through today
When the night's gone, you will be strong
Keep breathing, you'll make it
Don't give in, you're not done yet
Sometimes all that you can do is
Keep breathing and believing
Don't let go, just hang on tighter, a little longer
With every breath you bring hope
You're letting go of all your doubt
When nothing is easy, you’ve got to keep going
Even when you don't know how
You don't have to know how, no
Keep breathing, you'll make it
Don't give in, you're not done yet
Sometimes all that you can do is
Keep breathing and believing
Don't let go, just hang on tighter, a little longer
Keep breathing, you'll make it
Don't give in, you're not done yet
Sometimes all that you can do is
Keep breathing and believing
Don't let go, just hang on tighter, a little longer
Keep breathing
Don't give up
No you're not done yet
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don't let go
No you're not done yet"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsN2HTyXVmg

“In Your Sight”

by Kerrie Roberts

“I wish I never really had to fall this far
Could have the wisdom of a broken heart
Without all the pain
And I wish I could find a way to just forget
All the yesterdays that I regret
That I don't want to face
But Lord, you saw these moments
Before I began to breathe
And You see how to use them
And where they're going to lead
And I will rest knowing You are holding me
I believe You will never say goodbye
I close my eyes
Unafraid of what I cannot see
'Cause I am always in Your sight
Sometimes, I never feel like I am good enough
I wonder if I'll ever measure up
But that's not the truth
And I'm through with my emotions always guiding me
They take me places I don't want to be
So far from You
And I've lived in fear of failing
But that's just my pride
And I know it's not about me
'Cause I've given You my life
And I will rest knowing You are holding me
I believe You will never say goodbye
I close my eyes
Unafraid of what I cannot see
'Cause I am always in Your sight”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omWWPAQC7Go

9/11/01 From the Perspective of a 16 Year Old

            Every year leading up to this day, I feel dread, I know it’s going to be an emotional day. A day when I will feel like a bandage has been ripped off on a fresh wound, even 13 years later. On this day, 13 years ago, I had just turned 16 almost 2 weeks before. Life was great, I was enjoying high school, time with friends, being able to date boys, I had just gotten my driver’s license and had my own car, I was busy with work and sports, learning sports medicine, and even more importantly I had enjoyed my first year as a Fire Explorer for the city of Bellevue, WA and loved learning about being a firefighter, interacting with firefighters, going on ride-alongs, and getting a taste of my dream job. I was on top of the world. Then the morning of September 11 arrived. I awoke for early morning Seminary (scripture study class with my church), I was eating breakfast and watching the morning news with my parents when breaking news hit and we watched the WTC North tower burning. It was unclear at that time what had happened. It was not long after, that my Mom and I saw a plane hit the South tower. At that moment I remember my Mom saying “We are under attack!”. I was stunned, my brain didn’t comprehend what she meant. Up until that moment, for the first 16 years of my life, I lived blissfully, in a free country, where the words “war” and “terrorist attack” was something that happened to other people in different countries. When I heard the words “terrorist attack” come out of the mouth of my parents, my world turned upside down. Life as I knew it had changed forever.

I had to tear myself away from the news and drive to Seminary. I remember thinking of all the FDNY firefighters who were running into those buildings as everyone was running out, and I said a huge prayer for them. Seminary was solemn, we were all in shock, still trying to understand what had happened. As soon as class was over, I ran to my car to turn on the radio to find out what was happening and heard that a plane had hit the Pentagon and that the South tower had collapsed. My heart sank even further. Had the people and first responders been able to evacuate? What the hell was going on? Were there going to be more attacks? Was my family and I safe here in Seattle? On my drive to school, reports came in that a plane had crashed in a Pennsylvania field, there were still speculations on what had happened there. By the time I made it to school, I rushed into the nearest room with a TV (the teachers lounge) and watched live as the North tower came down. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Emotions were running high, I was feeling so many things by that point: Fear, anger, sadness, helplessness, my heart was crushing as I heard that there were many firefighters still in those towers when they fell. My own Brotherhood, buried and/or killed.

               Throughout the day, no school was done. We just went from class to class and watched the news, watched as everything continued to unfold. I kept seeing replays of the planes hitting the towers, of people jumping out of the towers, and the towers collapsing. I thought about how horrible it must have been for people to be jumping to their death. It was a surreal moment in time. By the time I got home, I just felt numb. I remembered having to work that day at the Mall, I was so mad I had to work. No one was shopping, it was dumb we had to be there.

For days, we watched TV, just glued to it. Watching and hearing about the recovery effort and I was dying at that point that I was only 16 and couldn’t go be a first responder and help search the rubble. I kept thinking “If I were in that situation as a first responder, would I have the courage to run into a building while everyone else was running out?” I was already certain that my dream job was in being a first responder, but it was during those questions, soul searching and the answer I had come to terms with that solidify my decision to pursue my career in Fire/EMS. My Dad, a veteran police officer and who also had extensive training in Post Traumatic Stress debriefings was put on high alert that he could be called up at any moment to go over to NYC to help and council with those involved in the rescue efforts. He had a bag packed in his car for weeks just in case he had to leave at any moment. I remember feeling afraid that he might have to go, and so relieved when he didn’t. But considering I am just like him in almost every way, and at 16 I was dying to go help search the rubble, I know he felt the exact same way. Still, I was grateful he didn’t end up going.

               There are many other events in the weeks, months, and years that followed. I watched my future brother in-law get deployed to Iraq within months after the attacks and war was declared. I watched my best friends have to say goodbye to boyfriends/fiancés as they got deployed, I watched friends get deployed and best friends’ husbands get deployed. Like I said before, life as I knew it had changed forever. I truly learned that Freedom doesn’t come free, that we are all vulnerable, that this type of attack could happen at any moment. But I also watched in the days and weeks that followed, and saw communities come together. Families, friends and neighbors helping each other get through this difficult time, and I saw true Patriotism show throughout the country for the first time in possibly my entire life. For a brief moment, it didn’t matter what political party you were, your beliefs, or religion, we were all united as Americans. It was a bitter sweet time that I never want to forget, and vow to never forget.

To the 343 FDNY brothers lost, you are never forgotten:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqzSAKV5ASM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnUfwlDB9yA

A need for upliftment

I had this entire blog post written out about anger and how I was feeling angry tonight, and talking about music that I listen to when I am angry, etc. But as I wrote the post, it just didn't feel right. I'm not perfect, I'm far from it. But it's music, pictures and videos of my Savior Jesus Christ that tend to truly soften my hardened heart and help me get through the difficult emotions I feel at times through this difficult illness. This video is called "Reflections of Christ", a slideshow of photographs taken by Mark Mabry of real life people acting out the life and stories of Jesus Christ. I love paintings of Christ, but something about seeing real life people makes it so much more emotional and real.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oteno81QzzQ

But I thought I'd share a few other paintings and photographs that depict how I truly feel tonight. I realize how much I need my older Brother, my Savior and Redeemer who knows and loves me more than I know myself, and he understands my heartaches and pain.

He truly KNOWS and FEELS our pain and sorrow

He prays with us and for us to our Heavenly Father

He loves each one of us

I hope this post brings comfort to someone reading this as these video/photos did for me tonight. In the meantime remember:

Pain... how do you endure it?

Pain, it's an interesting subject. I could get all scientific and talk about all the studies about pain receptors and the brain, etc. But truly, I just want to talk about how pain just plain sucks. Question for those who deal with it often, how do you endure it? Feel free to leave a comment below with your thoughts and suggestions. Some people seem to handle it better than others, I've seen this as a paramedic, and when I've worked in the ER, some people really do seem to have higher pain tolerance, and some people also seem to have higher tolerance to pain medication as well. Some people have chronic constant pain and no one really knows how that feels unless they stand in that person's shoes, my heart goes out to all of you who deal with it daily for years on end. With Chronic Lyme, I have pain day in and day out, nearly constant. Some days I can go without pain medicine and be ok, and then there are days when I'm on the other end of the spectrum and I'm in bed, I've taken everything in my arsenal of prescriptions and I'm still writhing in bed. The hardest part for me is judging "is this going to get worse today?" "do I need to take something stronger for this now? or should I wait?" sometimes, like tonight, if I wait too long, I pay for it for a few hours while I wait for pain medicine to work to bring the pain level down to what I would describe as "bearable". A year ago, I think my "bearable" pain would have been unbearable for me. I feel as if because I've had it constantly for over a year during treatment, that I've become somewhat accustomed to it. Still, it doesn't make it anymore pleasant! I also have days when I seem stronger mentally and emotionally than on other days. Today is not one of those days for me. On my weaker days, when I'm in alot of pain, that is when I am constantly moving around in bed ;because it hurts everywhere, and I can't focus on a movie or a book (usually I can try to watch a show to distract myself), I'm putting ice everywhere and I'm rubbing peppermint essential oils all over to "cool" my muscles and joints down, and drinking peppermint tea (or a calming tea for anxiety) to help calm my stomach and my nausea as I wait for my phenergan and oxycodone or morphine to work. My eyes constantly tear up, or I cry to my husband and wonder when this will end. Most times of severe pain, I turn to my music (as I've discussed many times in the past on this blog about how much I love music and how important it is to me). I do know that there have been studies on music and the brain, and music helping with pain. I won't get into all those long scientific studies either right now. I have different songs that take me to different memories of my life. Have you ever felt the need to get away in your mind for just a moment to someplace safe, someplace that gives you the most comfort? Well I have one place, and a song that I hear that takes me there when I close my eyes and listen. I have to explain some background on this place. I grew up in Western Washington and the beaches there are cold, cloudy, wet, windy, and the water is ice. I bet most of you are reading that and going "Yuck! why would you want to go to a beach like that?" But I love the beach on the Washington coast, it brings pure JOY to me whenever I am there, and it's truly healing to my soul, it is HOME. I love going back whenever I can, which isn't too often these days. When I was a teenager, we spent each summer with very good family friends (their beautiful daughter married my brother :), at their beach house on a quaint little beach town in Washington. I have nothing but the BEST memories of that place. My parents and my brother and sister all lived there at one point or another over the years after I left home for college and got married. But I remember as a teenager, I would walk on the sand with my jeans rolled up, letting the water rush over my feet, listening to the waves, smell the salty air, letting the wet and cold wind blow through my hair as I watch the clouds move across the sea. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Sometimes I would drive my parents car up as for as I could facing the ocean at sunset and I would play some of my favorite soothing music while I watched the sun go down, thinking and pondering about life. The song I would listen to and still do that takes me back to that spot is called"The Prayer" (the original that I loved was sung by Charlotte Church and Josh Groban). All I have to do is close my eyes, and I'm back on the beach at sunset, the waves at my feet, wind in my hair, the salt water smell, everything. It is my one haven, a place I can disappear to for a few moments and forget about the pain and agony I am feeling and remember the joy and happiness I've felt and still do feel in my life. It's a beautiful reminder to me to keep holding on, to keep persevering, to be strong and never give up, remembering that God is with me always and that I am never alone.

I hope I can get back to the ocean again soon, I feel like a fish on dry land sometimes where I live, ok, almost everyday where I live! I'm land locked and live in a dry place! To my family who live near the ocean, feel free to send me some sand in the mail anytime! :) I added the lyrics (forgive me if the translation is off), and the youtube video is a beautiful live rendition. You know how most live renditions are a bit off key, not this one! It is gorgeous! Truly talented singers!

"The Prayer"

By Charlotte Church (featuring Josh Groban)

"I pray you'll be our eyes

And watch us where we go

And help us to be wise

In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer

As we go our way

Lead us to a place

Guide us with your Grace

To a place where we'll be safe

La luce che tu dai

I pray we'll find your light

Nel cuore restera

And hold it in our hearts

A ricordarci che

When stars go out each night

L'eterna stella sei

Nella mia preghiera

Let this be our prayer

Quanta fede c'e

When shadows fill our day

Lead us to a place

Guide us with your grace 

Give us faith so we'll be safe. 

Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza 

Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza

Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino

Simbolo di pace e di fraternita

La forza che ci dai

We ask that life be kind

E'il desiderio che

And watch us from above

Ognuno trovi amore

We hope each soul will find

Intorno e dentro a se

Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer

Let this be our prayer

Just like every child

Just like every child

Needs to find a place,

Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe

E la fede che

Hai acceso in noi

Sento che ci salvera"

So take a listen, close your eyes, and think about your favorite place for a few minutes and enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzDOEWoBJNs

Till next time...

Blessings

Sometimes I think I should make another blog just to share all the music I love. Music is my heart and soul and I know I share alot of it here, but it truly means so much to me. It is my way of expressing how I feel from one moment to the next every single day. When I find a new song to love, I always get so excited, and I listen to it over and over until I know the lyrics inside and out. I have been asked so many times what my favorite song, artist, genre is, etc. I have never been able to give one single answer to that question. I have over 3,000 songs on my ipod alone, and that's not including all my music on my computer, my old CDs from my teenage years, etc. I have music that ranges from classical to R&B to Country. I like to think I'm well rounded. But in other words, I love it all. I use music when I am happy, sad, angry, needing a boost of energy, needing to vent, needing to cry, I use it as a tool to help me with anxiety and panic attacks, I use it to help me fall asleep at night when I'm struggling with severe insomnia. Many times my blog posts come to my mind while I am listening to a particular song and I feel inspired to write. Music inspires me. I will get into more about music a little later in this post.

This week was crazy busy. I didn't know if I would physically and mentally survive all that I needed to do. I was praying like crazy that my Heavenly Father would strengthen me. It wasn't easy, and I walked through my tasks in much pain, and literally fell into bed in terrible pain at the end of the day. There were many days this week that I was so exhausted, but for some reason I was unable to sleep. When I don't get sleep, after so many nights, it starts to wear on me mentally. I become extremely emotional, my anxiety skyrockets, my depression returns, and eventually if I do not get a full night sleep, I will fall into a deep depression, have full blown panic attacks, and have a meltdown. But through help from above I was able to be a mother, wife, sister, and friend and help those around me this week. I was able to be there for my Son, take him on a field trip, be there for his preschool graduation, be there for his first baseball practice and help out. I was able to be an Aunt and be there for my nieces and nephews as we celebrated birthdays and I was able to be there to celebrate with them all. I was able to be a sister and be there for my sisters who were in need, but also enjoy being able to just talk with them, which I'm not always able to do when I'm stuck at home in bed. And though dishes are still stacked in the sink (though thank you Karen for helping with that!), dust is accumulating around the house, bathrooms aren't clean, I am grateful that I was able to do all I did. I have to constantly remind myself that I can't do as much as what I used to be able to before I was sick. I have to remember to pace myself, and it can be so frustrating for me. Actually it is beyond frustrating! I have thrown things at walls in frustration because of this illness and shed so many tears. But when I look back to a year ago, I have made giant strides. Last year at this time, I couldn't walk around a grocery store without feeling like I was going to pass out. I was sleeping most of the day, and I was living on pain medication on a constant basis.

I still live with constant pain and nausea everyday, and some days are worse than others. I wonder sometimes if I've just gotten used to it, or is it really starting to get better? I'm using less narcotics, though I still use quite a bit of phenergan (anti-nausea) because my gut has been ripped to shreds by over a year of antibiotics and anti-malaria meds. My joints still stab me on a constant basis and my legs feel swollen at the end the day. My legs ache like crazy each night and I take magnesium supplements and rub magnesium oil into my sore muscles to help them relax and help stop any twitching. I still rely heavily on glutathione supplementation, but since I can't give it through IV (well I can give myself an IV in emergencies), I nebulize it twice a day and it seems to help keep symptoms at bay (flu-like symptoms that would be there on a constant basis if I didn't). Some days I do forget or don't have a chance to do both doses, and I feel the repercussions from it the next few days afterwards. I also still struggle with migraines, but increasing my magnesium supplementation has greatly helped decrease the amount of migraines I have every month.

I had another monthly appointment with my Dr and we decided that the current antibiotic I had been on for Babesia for the past 2 months wasn't working. My anxiety has skyrocketed and I've been having full blown panic attacks at least twice a week, and about 2 more that I've been able to stop with medication each week (so that comes to 4 a week?), my daytime sweating has increased again. These two symptoms are two very big symptoms of Bartonella. So we both agreed that my Bartonella has come back in force and so we have switched antibiotic treatment to work on knocking down the bartonella bacteria. I hope this decreases my anxiety and panic attacks because those are always the worst feeling in the world. If you have ever had a full on panic attack where you feel like your chest has been constricted with a huge band, you can't breathe, everything in the world comes crashing down around you, you get tunnel vision, you feel your limbs going numbs,  and you are just praying that you pass out so you can get back to breathing normal, it is literally one of the scariest feelings.

So that is life here, good and bad as always. Or one step forward and one or two steps back, depending on the day. But no matter what, I try my best to look for the blessings in my life, the silver lining and do my best to keep positive as best I can. So here I am again with music. I am LDS and have spent most of my life listening to LDS artists when it comes to spiritual music. But for the past few years I've branched out and found some amazing and beautiful Christian artists that I love. One that I like is Casting Crowns. They have played music in movies like Fireproof, Courageous, and Facing the Giants (all great movies if you haven't seen them). One favorite is called "Praise You in This Storm". I listen to it to remind myself on the hard days that my Savior is always there with me even through the rain and storm:

"Praise You In This Storm"

By Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

Another song I love is from the movie Fireproof called "While I'm Waiting". Right now, to me, this song means that I will be faithful while I'm waiting and hoping things continue to improve as I trudge through each day of this illness:

"While I'm Waiting"

By John Waller

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

Well I could share many more thoughts, and many more songs. But I know this is already long enough for today. Until next time!

Under Our Skin

May is Lyme Disease Awareness Month. There is a documentary that really got my attention and helped me learn about Lyme after being diagnosed. Its called "Under Our Skin". I found a full version of it on youtube. If you haven't watched it, please do. It's about an hour long and very insightful. So in honor of Lyme Disease Awareness Month, I thought I'd post it on my blog for any and all to see. Till Next Time!

To The Love Of My Life!

I thought I'd take a little break from Lyme tonight and share a new favorite love song that makes me think about the love of my life, my wonderful husband that I can't say enough about, who has continued to stay by my side through all the thick and thin (more thick than thin through our 7 years of marriage). This song is out on the radio right now, and I just love it, I listen and think this must be how he feels as I put him through a roller coaster ride of emotions, but know he continues to love me with his all as I love him with my all. This particular version from youtube includes the main singer John Legend with my new favorite Mormon pop/rock violinist Lindsey Sterling. It's awesome! So, Enjoy! (if you get my emails and can't view the video, go to my blog website to see it). And so tonight, here's to you Honey! I Love You More!!!

                                                                "All Of Me"

[Verse 1:]
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

[Verse 2:]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

[Bridge:]
Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

Till Next Time!