Blessings

Sometimes I think I should make another blog just to share all the music I love. Music is my heart and soul and I know I share alot of it here, but it truly means so much to me. It is my way of expressing how I feel from one moment to the next every single day. When I find a new song to love, I always get so excited, and I listen to it over and over until I know the lyrics inside and out. I have been asked so many times what my favorite song, artist, genre is, etc. I have never been able to give one single answer to that question. I have over 3,000 songs on my ipod alone, and that's not including all my music on my computer, my old CDs from my teenage years, etc. I have music that ranges from classical to R&B to Country. I like to think I'm well rounded. But in other words, I love it all. I use music when I am happy, sad, angry, needing a boost of energy, needing to vent, needing to cry, I use it as a tool to help me with anxiety and panic attacks, I use it to help me fall asleep at night when I'm struggling with severe insomnia. Many times my blog posts come to my mind while I am listening to a particular song and I feel inspired to write. Music inspires me. I will get into more about music a little later in this post.

This week was crazy busy. I didn't know if I would physically and mentally survive all that I needed to do. I was praying like crazy that my Heavenly Father would strengthen me. It wasn't easy, and I walked through my tasks in much pain, and literally fell into bed in terrible pain at the end of the day. There were many days this week that I was so exhausted, but for some reason I was unable to sleep. When I don't get sleep, after so many nights, it starts to wear on me mentally. I become extremely emotional, my anxiety skyrockets, my depression returns, and eventually if I do not get a full night sleep, I will fall into a deep depression, have full blown panic attacks, and have a meltdown. But through help from above I was able to be a mother, wife, sister, and friend and help those around me this week. I was able to be there for my Son, take him on a field trip, be there for his preschool graduation, be there for his first baseball practice and help out. I was able to be an Aunt and be there for my nieces and nephews as we celebrated birthdays and I was able to be there to celebrate with them all. I was able to be a sister and be there for my sisters who were in need, but also enjoy being able to just talk with them, which I'm not always able to do when I'm stuck at home in bed. And though dishes are still stacked in the sink (though thank you Karen for helping with that!), dust is accumulating around the house, bathrooms aren't clean, I am grateful that I was able to do all I did. I have to constantly remind myself that I can't do as much as what I used to be able to before I was sick. I have to remember to pace myself, and it can be so frustrating for me. Actually it is beyond frustrating! I have thrown things at walls in frustration because of this illness and shed so many tears. But when I look back to a year ago, I have made giant strides. Last year at this time, I couldn't walk around a grocery store without feeling like I was going to pass out. I was sleeping most of the day, and I was living on pain medication on a constant basis.

I still live with constant pain and nausea everyday, and some days are worse than others. I wonder sometimes if I've just gotten used to it, or is it really starting to get better? I'm using less narcotics, though I still use quite a bit of phenergan (anti-nausea) because my gut has been ripped to shreds by over a year of antibiotics and anti-malaria meds. My joints still stab me on a constant basis and my legs feel swollen at the end the day. My legs ache like crazy each night and I take magnesium supplements and rub magnesium oil into my sore muscles to help them relax and help stop any twitching. I still rely heavily on glutathione supplementation, but since I can't give it through IV (well I can give myself an IV in emergencies), I nebulize it twice a day and it seems to help keep symptoms at bay (flu-like symptoms that would be there on a constant basis if I didn't). Some days I do forget or don't have a chance to do both doses, and I feel the repercussions from it the next few days afterwards. I also still struggle with migraines, but increasing my magnesium supplementation has greatly helped decrease the amount of migraines I have every month.

I had another monthly appointment with my Dr and we decided that the current antibiotic I had been on for Babesia for the past 2 months wasn't working. My anxiety has skyrocketed and I've been having full blown panic attacks at least twice a week, and about 2 more that I've been able to stop with medication each week (so that comes to 4 a week?), my daytime sweating has increased again. These two symptoms are two very big symptoms of Bartonella. So we both agreed that my Bartonella has come back in force and so we have switched antibiotic treatment to work on knocking down the bartonella bacteria. I hope this decreases my anxiety and panic attacks because those are always the worst feeling in the world. If you have ever had a full on panic attack where you feel like your chest has been constricted with a huge band, you can't breathe, everything in the world comes crashing down around you, you get tunnel vision, you feel your limbs going numbs,  and you are just praying that you pass out so you can get back to breathing normal, it is literally one of the scariest feelings.

So that is life here, good and bad as always. Or one step forward and one or two steps back, depending on the day. But no matter what, I try my best to look for the blessings in my life, the silver lining and do my best to keep positive as best I can. So here I am again with music. I am LDS and have spent most of my life listening to LDS artists when it comes to spiritual music. But for the past few years I've branched out and found some amazing and beautiful Christian artists that I love. One that I like is Casting Crowns. They have played music in movies like Fireproof, Courageous, and Facing the Giants (all great movies if you haven't seen them). One favorite is called "Praise You in This Storm". I listen to it to remind myself on the hard days that my Savior is always there with me even through the rain and storm:

"Praise You In This Storm"

By Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

Another song I love is from the movie Fireproof called "While I'm Waiting". Right now, to me, this song means that I will be faithful while I'm waiting and hoping things continue to improve as I trudge through each day of this illness:

"While I'm Waiting"

By John Waller

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

Well I could share many more thoughts, and many more songs. But I know this is already long enough for today. Until next time!