What is Strength?

Lately I've been feeling weak and whimpy. I figure I need to write out my thoughts to help convince myself that I am strong. I hope over time that I can convince my mind that it is true.

Years ago I felt that I was on top of the world, I could do anything I put my mind and body to. In high school I loved firefighting and became a fire explorer in a nearby city (program that is associated with the Boy Scouts of American allowing teenagers to get a feel for what it's like to be a firefighter, or police officer, etc). I loved going to training every monday night and coming home exhausted, sweaty and smelling like smoke after spending the last three hours learning how to search a smoke filled room for a victim while in full turn out gear, SCBA breathing apparatus strapped to my back and face. I would learn how to extricate victims from vehicles using the Jaws of Life and other extrication tools (which by the way are extrememly heavy, especially for a 120 lb teenage girl), but I did it, and I loved every minute of it. I learned how to ventilate roofs of burning buildings with chain saws and other tools. I learned how to properly lift, carry and set up ladders againts buildings. I learned how to repel down the sides of buildings, and spent many nights running up and down 6 flights of stairs for exercise, sometimes in full gear carrying hose on my shoulder. I would go home sweaty and exhausted, but happy. I did this all four years in high school. Eventually I became leutenant of my fire explorer post and then became captain (head of the entire post). I was so proud of myself and loved it. One of my instructors was a paramedic and there were nights when we'd learn how to do CPR, how to bag a patient or help start IVs (on fake practice arms). It was then that I first found my passion for EMS and had a dream that I wanted to be a Paramedic. Fire was great, but Paramedicine was even better, at least in my eyes. Also in high school, I spent my time doing sports such as gymnastics, beating my body to Hell trying to learn acrobatic moves and getting used to pounding my shins into the ground while practicing the Vault or my floor routine. I got used to falling on my back when I couldn't grab the uneven bars in time. I had many injuries that I overcame through the years (some that still plague me today). I spent time in high school doing everything that a boy would love to do, I was a total and complete tomboy.I grew mostly in a household of older brothers and I hated anything that had to do with cooking, sewing, etc. During youth activities at church. while I had to be in the kitchen with other girls learning to cook, I felt so bummed that I couldn't be in the gym with the boys learning to repel off the baasketball hoop. That's just who I was.
I wasn't into fashion, I didn't know how to do my hair or makeup. So my usual daily look was jeans, a sweatshirt and flip flops with my hair in a ponytail. I also loved soccer and had been playing it on a team since I was 6.

I never thought I would have the opportunity to actually become a paramedic. See, where I grew up, King County Medic One near Seattle is one of the best medic programs in the nation and also extremely difficult to get into. You have to be a firefighter full time for at least a few years before you can even try to apply for the program, and that's only if you get accepted. So that's what I thought it was like around the entire country (which by the way, it's not like that everywhere thankfully).
And to tell you the truth,
I was small, not extremely physically strong and didn't think I'd be able to pass a physical fitness test to even become a real firefighter. So being a medic was a dream. Until one day I heard of Brigham Young University-Idaho and their paramedic program. There were some classes I was required to take before hand such as anatomy and physiology, microbiology, pathophysiology, statistics, chemistry and also be a nationaly certified Emergency Medical Technician- Basic (EMT-Basic). So I took an EMT class in Seattle and then headed off to Idaho to apply for the Paramedic program and get my pre-req classes done. It was truly the best day when I recieved my acceptence letter into the Paramedic program, I was going to be able to become what I had dreamt of for years and didn't think was a possibility. I won't go into details of the program right now, as that could be many posts in itself, but I loved every single day of the two years I spent learning to become the best Medic I could possibly be. I was awarded Paramedic of the Year of my class and I was so happy because I'd worked so hard. I knew I was good at what I did. I could stick IV's on the first try, intubate patients (tube down the throat) on the first try, I had a great memory of pharmacology and could easily remember drug doses without having to look it up. Being in the back of an Ambulance felt like home for me. I felt like myself and I I felt at home there. I loved the feeling of being able to help someone in need, in ways that most people cannot. I loved the feeling of having a critical patient and driving lights and sirens quickly down bumpy roads to the hospital, meanwhile being in the back with other co-workers and having to do my own type of acrobatics straddlling the patient while standing, trying not to fall over while sticking an IV in their arm, all while the ambulance bounced up and down and we went around corners. I am a total adrenaline junky. I completely admit that. The program itself was always exhausting because I ate, slept and breathed paramedicine for two years, but I loved it. I loved doing shifts with the local department as a student, and doing clinicals at the hospital multiple days a week. It was wonderful and I was on top of the world, nothing could touch me, I was invinsible and could do anything I wanted. I would push through my fears and just keep going no matter what.

Then came my internship in Las Vegas and though it was a good learning experience, it was also very traumatic and I was emotionally and mentally abused day in and day out by my preceptor/mentor (the person who watches over you and evaluates you as a student while you work). In a way, I lost myself in Las Vegas. I lost the old Liana, the fearless and strong Liana. She was gone and all that was left was a hollow shell of a girl that I hardly recognized when I'd look in the mirror. I was afraid of so many things and I would let fear overcome me and at time it would be paralyzing to me. Ever since then, I have been trying to fight my way back to be that old Liana I once was, but I feel as if I've continually failed over and over again ever since, stumbeling no matter how hard I try. I came back from Vegas and married my high school sweetheart and we went back to Idaho where we both finished our undergraduate degrees, and during that time I became a volunteer firefighter/paramedic with the local fire department. I was able to work with the men and women who had originally taught me in school, that I looked up to greatly. It was amazing to be working side by side with them as a coworker and not just a student. But deep down, I had lost so much confidence in myself, I gave up easily when I was scared and I wasn't the same person anymore. Through the years came more challenges of having a child and being ill both physically and mentally, trying to overcome post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), postpartum depression after my son was born, and depression, anxiety and at times extreme fatigue that plagued me. I tried my best to hide it and just keep going, though that didn't always work. Eventually I moved and recently had to quit working as a paramedic. My national certification has expired as of a few months ago, though I still have my state certification for another year. But I know that right now I am unable to keep working in EMS and Fire. It breaks my heart to a million pieces just thinking about it because I love it, I literally put so much blood, sweat and tears into my dream, and now I have to let it go because I've been unable to keep up physically and mentally with the job. Also, because of the adrenaline and waking up in the middle of the night and not always getting enough sleep, my adrenals are shot and I suffer from severe adrenal fatigue among many other things that go along with Chronic Lyme Disease and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. So not working in EMS right now is a good decision for my body and health. I hate it, but it's the truth.

So after painting a picture of my old self, it's hard for me not to feel like a complete whimp and weak because I can't exercise right now, there are days when I can hardly walk, I have many days when I pretty much drop and knock everything over that I touch because I can't get my hand to grasp the object well enough. I am shaky, body tremors, headaches, daily waves of nausea and I have to take very frequent breaks and rest all throughout the day. I can barely walk through one grocery store without being completely exhausted and needing to lay down. I physically sweat through multiple shirts a day sometimes. I am on so many medications right now, even my medic friends would be astonished and possibly think I'm a druggy. I have to drink fluids on a constant basis or I get deydrated very quickly (I'm talking within 1-2 hours), which excacerbates symptoms, or I end up with a migraine. I have to keep my body physically cool, heat exacerbaates my symptoms. So I spend everyday laying on ice packs and having a fan blowing on me to keep cool and to help with nerve pain down my spine. I can't care for my son by myself right now, so in terms of being a mother, I feel like a complete failure. I have to have IV meds twice a week and my veins are getting scarred and it's becoming harder and harder to give myself IV's without infilitrating a vein and having to poke myself multiple times trying to find a new vein to torture. No Matter where I go, I have to make sure that I have 2-3 bottles of fluids to drink both water and something with electrolytes like powerade, protein to eat, medications such as Percoset or Morphine for pain, Phenergan for nausea, Imitrex or Maxsalt for migraine headaches, and my usual large pile of daily natural supplements and vitamins I'm taking. Sometimes I have to be sure I have a pillow to keep me comfortable, an eye mask to cover my eyes when I start getting a migraine, and disposable ice packs that I can just crack and use to cool myself down if needed while out and about away from home where my reusable ice packs are kept. That is my life right now. But I'm writing this for myself to say "I AM STRONG!" I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy. I am strong because I can still function even when I feel like throwing up for half the day (guess that's better than the whole day!). I am strong because I can still smile from time to time even when I'm in excruciating pain on an almost constant basis, day in and day out. I am strong because I can give myself IV's and poke myself with needles and I can bear the pain, and I can do it myself... on myself (that takes total skill and I do feel proud about that, and very greatful for my Paramedic training, it has truly come in handy). I am strong and I am a fighter! I will keep fighting this disease and will try to keep my head held high even if it's physically hard to do sometimes, let alone mentally. I am strong even though I might have to be pushed in a wheelchair on family outings, or take an electric cart around a grocery store so that I don't tire myself too much. I am strong even though I can't do physical exercise right now, let alone barely walking very far. I am strong even though it's difficult for me to take a shower or bath and wash my body (I have to worry about losing my balance and falling over in the shower, and also tend to have to lay down right afterwards to rest. I am strong even when I can't dress myself very well, or I am dizzy and lose my balance on a constant basis. I am strong even if I pass out (which thankfully hasn't happened in about a month). I AM STRONG! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN BEAT THIS DISEASE! I WILL BEAT THIS DISEASE! To all those who may read this that are battling this disease, you are strong too! Keep thinking positively, it's really easy to think all negative (trust me, I struggle with this every day), but if you look at the good side of things, it will make it a little easier to bear the suffering.

 XOXO to all!
~ Liana

Great Description of Lyme Disease

I found this really amazing description of what Lyme Disease feels like, so read along and take the ride with me (momentarily) and hopefully you will feel more empathy towards those you meet with this crippling disease:

"If you've ever spent any time around someone with Lyme Disease, you are probably pretty baffled. How is it that one minute they can be too sick to walk, and the next minute they are running around like a wild person, full of energy? One minute, they need to be carried up the steps, and the next minute, they are bouncing down the steps to answer the door. One day they can make a four-course meal, and the next day, they walk away from the stove until the smoke alarm goes off, reminding them that they were actually in the middle of making dinner!

Migrating symptoms are a hallmark of Lyme Disease. Sometimes I refer to it as the Carousel Disease, because my days are constantly up and down. No one has been able to explain to me what causes these ever-changing symptoms, but it is one of the most frustrating parts of the disease. People who don't understand Lyme Disease assume you are faking your illness. It's very hard for people to understand why I have days when I can actually ride a horse, and other days when I have to be carried from my bed to the bathroom.

You may look at me, and I may not look the slightest bit sick to you. But inside my body, there is so much going on that you can't see! So for those of you who are ready, hop on the carousel of Lyme Disease for a spin with me!

Imagine someone has strapped lead weights on your legs. Now your legs are heavy, achy, and hard to move. Getting around is quite a chore, but you can do it!

Now, imagine your brain is filled with cotton (hard to picture, but bear with me!). The simplest of decisions are now a major struggle for you, and you can't remember what you were saying or thinking. You can no longer answer a simple question like "should I have a snack?" You can no longer figure out simple math questions like 12-5. You constantly forget to eat your snack, and drink the tea you just made. You forget simple words. You haven't the faintest idea of what you did this morning, let alone yesterday!

Now picture someone taking a drill and boring into your hips, causing a deep, slow ache. It hurts when you walk, it hurts when you sit, it hurts when you lay down. Your fingers feel like someone is stabbing them with needles. Your knees feel like someone is banging on them with a hammer.

Mentally, you are very agitated, like someone is scraping their fingers down a chalkboard close to your ears. You head is throbbing, you are tense, and you feel as though you are ready to blow at any moment!

And just as suddenly as you hopped on the carousel, you hop off. The ride is over. Your head stopped throbbing. Your hips are only a dull ache now, not nearly as intense. You can walk easier now, but all that riding on the carousel has left you a little dizzy. Whoever was scraping their fingers down the chalkboard has stopped, and now you're only mildly agitated. You don't feel like there are lead weights on your legs anymore, but you are left with a flu-like ache in your body. You suddenly remember a million things that you were supposed to do. Like a kitten running through the house, you dart around trying to make up for lost time, all the while wondering when the carousel ride is going to start back up. It might be soon. It might not be until tomorrow. You don't know what the ride will be like next time or how long it will last. But for now, you are happy that your quarter ran out, and the rideis over."
 www.Alyson1durland.blogspot.com 

I read this and my jaw dropped, that's me! It amazes me everytime I find someone who can so eloquently describe everything I feel. I hope one day my writing will improve (with my improved brain fog/cotton head).

A Good Day

The past two days have been better days. I am very grateful for that. After what I would call an emotional breakdown, I woke up yesterday in pain and tired, but after medication and a warm bath with aromatherapy, I felt a little better. I wasn't a good mom with my son like I was hoping to be yesterday, but I take each day one at a time hoping that things will get easier. I prayed last night that I would be needed and be able to help someone. Right now I don't feel like I can help anyone, I'm the one who's needed all the help and it can be really hard. God answered my prayer today, I was given an opportunity to help my family even though I am still weak and tired. I also was better and less short tempered with my son tonight and able to have a few minutes of time where I felt happy and willing to talk and listen to him tell me about his day. I cherish those moments with my little boy, especially those moments when I can tell him how much he means to me and he tells me in his sweet little voice that he loves me. I consider all of this to be a great day. I will keep praying to be a better, kinder, more patient mother and for more opportunities to help others because I know that when I am serving God and helping others, I am less likely to focus on my own problems or pain and It helps remind me what is truly important in life. I also know that it will help me heal emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Good night all!

Demons and Falling Down

I've really been stuck in a rut lately. You know how that feels? It's where you just want to ignore everything and everyone and ignore the pain and emotions you feel and find any distraction you can to get away from it all. I feel as if I've taken two steps backward rather than one step forward in recovery. I am realizing that in order to physically heal, I have to face some past mental and emotional demons that have haunted me for years and are seriously blocking my path to recovery from the diseases I am trying to heal from. It would take at least a few days to write about these demons of the past, but I figure I need to make myself a list... or at least the start of a list such as:

*Understanding and forgiving a mentor that seriously emotionally abused me and has partly caused me to lose my self esteem, my mental strength, my understanding of who I am as a person.

*Letting go of my dream of being a paramedic. (this is so hard for me, even typing it makes me cry), and finding a new me, a new Liana, a new woman who I can be proud of and who I can love.

*This past weekend I spent with family and had to say goodbye to my parents as they head on their next journey in life of serving a mission for our church for the next few years. I need to understand why it was so darn hard emotionally for me to say goodbye to them last weekend, I completely fell apart physically after they left. Though I have my loving older sister who has been my rock through it, she didn't even have to see my face, she came up behind me out on her back porch and hugged me, knowing my heart was just ripping to pieces inside as they drove away.

*Learning to not feel so guilty about my weaknesses and learning that being who I am is enough, and not to strive for perfection in everything I do, because I just set myself up for failure whenever I put myself on that perfect pedestal and then end up feeling depressed and weak and like a total failure when I don't meet my own standards I give myself in life.

These are just a few demons of my past... I know there are more, but these are ones I need to work through in order to move on. I spoke with my father in-law the other night about how connected the mind and body are with eachother. When the mind is not well, the body is not well and vice versa. It really is the truth.

So today was my day of serious soul searching and trying to figure out how I need to best let out my emotions. Right now they are all pent up inside just wanting to totally gush out. I tend to hold it in as long as possible because I hate crying, but I always end up crying about everything and then I end up in pain and have a headache the rest of the day and feel completely spent physically and emotionally for days afterwards. So I hate talking about my problems and I hate crying and showing my emotions (to me, I feel that I look weak when I cry... even though deep down I know this is not true). I have been through therapy, I have talked with counselors, and yet I still feel as if I am total damaged goods from years of mental health problems and not being able to understand myself and what I am feeling.

There are times when I feel so angry about myself and my situation and usually during those times I normally would go exercise and just push through it. Music has also been my way of pushing through my anger, usually exercise and music together are my tools. Or driving and music together are also therapeutic for me. But since I've been sick, I haven't been able to exercise. I have been stuck in a body that doesn't work and I feel completely trapped at times. Today I couldn't take it anymore, I got dressed, got my shoes on, my music playing and I walked up the trail behind my parents home until I couldn't go anymore. Then I sat in the grass and just cried and prayed and asked God "why me?" Then I got back up and went home, soaked in the tub to soothe sore muscles and joints and then put makeup and clothes on to feel "normal", or at least fake it. My makeup didn't last long though, I ended up crying to my mom. Then I went for a drive... I was gone for the afternoon and evening. I spent much of my drive reflecting and driving places that are a huge part of my past. My old home I grew up in, the town I grew up in, the schools I went to, the usual street routes I'd drive on a normal basis. Then I headed shopping... shopping therapy is always nice, though usually short lived and doesn't last long. All in all, it was a very emotionally draining and physically draining day. I hope I don't pay for it tomorrow. But I knew that before I lay down and watch a show (as I always do at night to distract myself), I needed to write all this out, otherwise it might never get out.

My two major songs I listened to today (sorry I wish I could figure out how to play them on my blog... but I'm too tired to figure that out tonight. So if you want to listen, you can search for them on the internet):

"Down" by Jason Walker
I don't know where I'm at

I'm standing out the back

And I'm tired of waiting


Waiting here in line

Hoping that I'll find

What I've been chasing


I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try?

I know I'm gonna fall down


I thought I could fly

So why did I drown?

You never know why

It's coming down, down, down


Not ready to let go

'Cause then I'll never know

What could be missing


But I'm missing way too much

When do I give up

What I've been wishing for?


I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try?

I know I'm gonna fall down


I thought I could fly

So why did I drown?

You never know why

It's coming down, down, down

Oh, I'm going down, down, down


I can't find another way around

And I don't wanna hear the sound

Of losing what I never found


I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try?

I know I'm gonna fall down


I thought I could fly

So why did I drown?

I'll never know why

It's coming down, down, down


I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try?

I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly

So why did I drown?

Oh, it's coming down, down, down


"All I Need" by Within Temptation

I'm dying to catch my breath

Oh, why don't I ever learn?

I've lost all my trust

Though I've surely tried to turn it around


Can you still see the heart of me?

All my agony fades away

When you hold me in your embrace


Don't tear me down for all I need

Make my heart a better place

Give me something I can believe


Don't tear me down

You've opened the door now

Don't let it close


I'm here on the edge again

I wish I could let it go

I know that I'm only one step away

From turning it around


Can you still see the heart of me?

All my agony fades away

When you hold me in your embrace


Don't tear me down for all I need

Make my heart a better place

Give me something I can believe


Don't tear it down, what's left of me

Make my heart a better place


I tried many times but nothing was real

Make it fade away, don't break me down

I want to believe that this is for real

Save me from my fear, don't tear me down


Don't tear me down for all I need

Make my heart a better place


Don't tear me down for all I need

Make my heart a better place

Give me something I can believe


Don't tear it down, what's left of me

Make my heart a better place

Make my heart a better place