I had this entire blog post written out about anger and how I was feeling angry tonight, and talking about music that I listen to when I am angry, etc. But as I wrote the post, it just didn't feel right. I'm not perfect, I'm far from it. But it's music, pictures and videos of my Savior Jesus Christ that tend to truly soften my hardened heart and help me get through the difficult emotions I feel at times through this difficult illness. This video is called "Reflections of Christ", a slideshow of photographs taken by Mark Mabry of real life people acting out the life and stories of Jesus Christ. I love paintings of Christ, but something about seeing real life people makes it so much more emotional and real.
But I thought I'd share a few other paintings and photographs that depict how I truly feel tonight. I realize how much I need my older Brother, my Savior and Redeemer who knows and loves me more than I know myself, and he understands my heartaches and pain.
He truly KNOWS and FEELS our pain and sorrow
He prays with us and for us to our Heavenly Father
He loves each one of us
I hope this post brings comfort to someone reading this as these video/photos did for me tonight. In the meantime remember:
Pain, it's an interesting subject. I could get all scientific and talk about all the studies about pain receptors and the brain, etc. But truly, I just want to talk about how pain just plain sucks. Question for those who deal with it often, how do you endure it? Feel free to leave a comment below with your thoughts and suggestions. Some people seem to handle it better than others, I've seen this as a paramedic, and when I've worked in the ER, some people really do seem to have higher pain tolerance, and some people also seem to have higher tolerance to pain medication as well. Some people have chronic constant pain and no one really knows how that feels unless they stand in that person's shoes, my heart goes out to all of you who deal with it daily for years on end. With Chronic Lyme, I have pain day in and day out, nearly constant. Some days I can go without pain medicine and be ok, and then there are days when I'm on the other end of the spectrum and I'm in bed, I've taken everything in my arsenal of prescriptions and I'm still writhing in bed. The hardest part for me is judging "is this going to get worse today?" "do I need to take something stronger for this now? or should I wait?" sometimes, like tonight, if I wait too long, I pay for it for a few hours while I wait for pain medicine to work to bring the pain level down to what I would describe as "bearable". A year ago, I think my "bearable" pain would have been unbearable for me. I feel as if because I've had it constantly for over a year during treatment, that I've become somewhat accustomed to it. Still, it doesn't make it anymore pleasant! I also have days when I seem stronger mentally and emotionally than on other days. Today is not one of those days for me. On my weaker days, when I'm in alot of pain, that is when I am constantly moving around in bed ;because it hurts everywhere, and I can't focus on a movie or a book (usually I can try to watch a show to distract myself), I'm putting ice everywhere and I'm rubbing peppermint essential oils all over to "cool" my muscles and joints down, and drinking peppermint tea (or a calming tea for anxiety) to help calm my stomach and my nausea as I wait for my phenergan and oxycodone or morphine to work. My eyes constantly tear up, or I cry to my husband and wonder when this will end. Most times of severe pain, I turn to my music (as I've discussed many times in the past on this blog about how much I love music and how important it is to me). I do know that there have been studies on music and the brain, and music helping with pain. I won't get into all those long scientific studies either right now. I have different songs that take me to different memories of my life. Have you ever felt the need to get away in your mind for just a moment to someplace safe, someplace that gives you the most comfort? Well I have one place, and a song that I hear that takes me there when I close my eyes and listen. I have to explain some background on this place. I grew up in Western Washington and the beaches there are cold, cloudy, wet, windy, and the water is ice. I bet most of you are reading that and going "Yuck! why would you want to go to a beach like that?" But I love the beach on the Washington coast, it brings pure JOY to me whenever I am there, and it's truly healing to my soul, it is HOME. I love going back whenever I can, which isn't too often these days. When I was a teenager, we spent each summer with very good family friends (their beautiful daughter married my brother :), at their beach house on a quaint little beach town in Washington. I have nothing but the BEST memories of that place. My parents and my brother and sister all lived there at one point or another over the years after I left home for college and got married. But I remember as a teenager, I would walk on the sand with my jeans rolled up, letting the water rush over my feet, listening to the waves, smell the salty air, letting the wet and cold wind blow through my hair as I watch the clouds move across the sea. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Sometimes I would drive my parents car up as for as I could facing the ocean at sunset and I would play some of my favorite soothing music while I watched the sun go down, thinking and pondering about life. The song I would listen to and still do that takes me back to that spot is called"The Prayer" (the original that I loved was sung by Charlotte Church and Josh Groban). All I have to do is close my eyes, and I'm back on the beach at sunset, the waves at my feet, wind in my hair, the salt water smell, everything. It is my one haven, a place I can disappear to for a few moments and forget about the pain and agony I am feeling and remember the joy and happiness I've felt and still do feel in my life. It's a beautiful reminder to me to keep holding on, to keep persevering, to be strong and never give up, remembering that God is with me always and that I am never alone.
I hope I can get back to the ocean again soon, I feel like a fish on dry land sometimes where I live, ok, almost everyday where I live! I'm land locked and live in a dry place! To my family who live near the ocean, feel free to send me some sand in the mail anytime! :) I added the lyrics (forgive me if the translation is off), and the youtube video is a beautiful live rendition. You know how most live renditions are a bit off key, not this one! It is gorgeous! Truly talented singers!
"The Prayer"
By Charlotte Church (featuring Josh Groban)
"I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che tu dai
I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restera
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita
La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child
Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera"
So take a listen, close your eyes, and think about your favorite place for a few minutes and enjoy!
