I've really been stuck in a rut lately. You know how that feels? It's where you just want to ignore everything and everyone and ignore the pain and emotions you feel and find any distraction you can to get away from it all. I feel as if I've taken two steps backward rather than one step forward in recovery. I am realizing that in order to physically heal, I have to face some past mental and emotional demons that have haunted me for years and are seriously blocking my path to recovery from the diseases I am trying to heal from. It would take at least a few days to write about these demons of the past, but I figure I need to make myself a list... or at least the start of a list such as:
*Understanding and forgiving a mentor that seriously emotionally abused me and has partly caused me to lose my self esteem, my mental strength, my understanding of who I am as a person.
*Letting go of my dream of being a paramedic. (this is so hard for me, even typing it makes me cry), and finding a new me, a new Liana, a new woman who I can be proud of and who I can love.
*This past weekend I spent with family and had to say goodbye to my parents as they head on their next journey in life of serving a mission for our church for the next few years. I need to understand why it was so darn hard emotionally for me to say goodbye to them last weekend, I completely fell apart physically after they left. Though I have my loving older sister who has been my rock through it, she didn't even have to see my face, she came up behind me out on her back porch and hugged me, knowing my heart was just ripping to pieces inside as they drove away.
*Learning to not feel so guilty about my weaknesses and learning that being who I am is enough, and not to strive for perfection in everything I do, because I just set myself up for failure whenever I put myself on that perfect pedestal and then end up feeling depressed and weak and like a total failure when I don't meet my own standards I give myself in life.
These are just a few demons of my past... I know there are more, but these are ones I need to work through in order to move on. I spoke with my father in-law the other night about how connected the mind and body are with eachother. When the mind is not well, the body is not well and vice versa. It really is the truth.
So today was my day of serious soul searching and trying to figure out how I need to best let out my emotions. Right now they are all pent up inside just wanting to totally gush out. I tend to hold it in as long as possible because I hate crying, but I always end up crying about everything and then I end up in pain and have a headache the rest of the day and feel completely spent physically and emotionally for days afterwards. So I hate talking about my problems and I hate crying and showing my emotions (to me, I feel that I look weak when I cry... even though deep down I know this is not true). I have been through therapy, I have talked with counselors, and yet I still feel as if I am total damaged goods from years of mental health problems and not being able to understand myself and what I am feeling.
There are times when I feel so angry about myself and my situation and usually during those times I normally would go exercise and just push through it. Music has also been my way of pushing through my anger, usually exercise and music together are my tools. Or driving and music together are also therapeutic for me. But since I've been sick, I haven't been able to exercise. I have been stuck in a body that doesn't work and I feel completely trapped at times. Today I couldn't take it anymore, I got dressed, got my shoes on, my music playing and I walked up the trail behind my parents home until I couldn't go anymore. Then I sat in the grass and just cried and prayed and asked God "why me?" Then I got back up and went home, soaked in the tub to soothe sore muscles and joints and then put makeup and clothes on to feel "normal", or at least fake it. My makeup didn't last long though, I ended up crying to my mom. Then I went for a drive... I was gone for the afternoon and evening. I spent much of my drive reflecting and driving places that are a huge part of my past. My old home I grew up in, the town I grew up in, the schools I went to, the usual street routes I'd drive on a normal basis. Then I headed shopping... shopping therapy is always nice, though usually short lived and doesn't last long. All in all, it was a very emotionally draining and physically draining day. I hope I don't pay for it tomorrow. But I knew that before I lay down and watch a show (as I always do at night to distract myself), I needed to write all this out, otherwise it might never get out.
My two major songs I listened to today (sorry I wish I could figure out how to play them on my blog... but I'm too tired to figure that out tonight. So if you want to listen, you can search for them on the internet):
"Down" by Jason Walker
I don't know where I'm at
I'm standing out the back
And I'm tired of waiting
Waiting here in line
Hoping that I'll find
What I've been chasing
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try?
I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly
So why did I drown?
You never know why
It's coming down, down, down
Not ready to let go
'Cause then I'll never know
What could be missing
But I'm missing way too much
When do I give up
What I've been wishing for?
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try?
I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly
So why did I drown?
You never know why
It's coming down, down, down
Oh, I'm going down, down, down
I can't find another way around
And I don't wanna hear the sound
Of losing what I never found
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try?
I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly
So why did I drown?
I'll never know why
It's coming down, down, down
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try?
I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly
So why did I drown?
Oh, it's coming down, down, down
"All I Need" by Within Temptation
I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh, why don't I ever learn?
I've lost all my trust
Though I've surely tried to turn it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now
Don't let it close
I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
From turning it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear, don't tear me down
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don't tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don't tear it down, what's left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place
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