What is Strength?

Lately I've been feeling weak and whimpy. I figure I need to write out my thoughts to help convince myself that I am strong. I hope over time that I can convince my mind that it is true.

Years ago I felt that I was on top of the world, I could do anything I put my mind and body to. In high school I loved firefighting and became a fire explorer in a nearby city (program that is associated with the Boy Scouts of American allowing teenagers to get a feel for what it's like to be a firefighter, or police officer, etc). I loved going to training every monday night and coming home exhausted, sweaty and smelling like smoke after spending the last three hours learning how to search a smoke filled room for a victim while in full turn out gear, SCBA breathing apparatus strapped to my back and face. I would learn how to extricate victims from vehicles using the Jaws of Life and other extrication tools (which by the way are extrememly heavy, especially for a 120 lb teenage girl), but I did it, and I loved every minute of it. I learned how to ventilate roofs of burning buildings with chain saws and other tools. I learned how to properly lift, carry and set up ladders againts buildings. I learned how to repel down the sides of buildings, and spent many nights running up and down 6 flights of stairs for exercise, sometimes in full gear carrying hose on my shoulder. I would go home sweaty and exhausted, but happy. I did this all four years in high school. Eventually I became leutenant of my fire explorer post and then became captain (head of the entire post). I was so proud of myself and loved it. One of my instructors was a paramedic and there were nights when we'd learn how to do CPR, how to bag a patient or help start IVs (on fake practice arms). It was then that I first found my passion for EMS and had a dream that I wanted to be a Paramedic. Fire was great, but Paramedicine was even better, at least in my eyes. Also in high school, I spent my time doing sports such as gymnastics, beating my body to Hell trying to learn acrobatic moves and getting used to pounding my shins into the ground while practicing the Vault or my floor routine. I got used to falling on my back when I couldn't grab the uneven bars in time. I had many injuries that I overcame through the years (some that still plague me today). I spent time in high school doing everything that a boy would love to do, I was a total and complete tomboy.I grew mostly in a household of older brothers and I hated anything that had to do with cooking, sewing, etc. During youth activities at church. while I had to be in the kitchen with other girls learning to cook, I felt so bummed that I couldn't be in the gym with the boys learning to repel off the baasketball hoop. That's just who I was.
I wasn't into fashion, I didn't know how to do my hair or makeup. So my usual daily look was jeans, a sweatshirt and flip flops with my hair in a ponytail. I also loved soccer and had been playing it on a team since I was 6.

I never thought I would have the opportunity to actually become a paramedic. See, where I grew up, King County Medic One near Seattle is one of the best medic programs in the nation and also extremely difficult to get into. You have to be a firefighter full time for at least a few years before you can even try to apply for the program, and that's only if you get accepted. So that's what I thought it was like around the entire country (which by the way, it's not like that everywhere thankfully).
And to tell you the truth,
I was small, not extremely physically strong and didn't think I'd be able to pass a physical fitness test to even become a real firefighter. So being a medic was a dream. Until one day I heard of Brigham Young University-Idaho and their paramedic program. There were some classes I was required to take before hand such as anatomy and physiology, microbiology, pathophysiology, statistics, chemistry and also be a nationaly certified Emergency Medical Technician- Basic (EMT-Basic). So I took an EMT class in Seattle and then headed off to Idaho to apply for the Paramedic program and get my pre-req classes done. It was truly the best day when I recieved my acceptence letter into the Paramedic program, I was going to be able to become what I had dreamt of for years and didn't think was a possibility. I won't go into details of the program right now, as that could be many posts in itself, but I loved every single day of the two years I spent learning to become the best Medic I could possibly be. I was awarded Paramedic of the Year of my class and I was so happy because I'd worked so hard. I knew I was good at what I did. I could stick IV's on the first try, intubate patients (tube down the throat) on the first try, I had a great memory of pharmacology and could easily remember drug doses without having to look it up. Being in the back of an Ambulance felt like home for me. I felt like myself and I I felt at home there. I loved the feeling of being able to help someone in need, in ways that most people cannot. I loved the feeling of having a critical patient and driving lights and sirens quickly down bumpy roads to the hospital, meanwhile being in the back with other co-workers and having to do my own type of acrobatics straddlling the patient while standing, trying not to fall over while sticking an IV in their arm, all while the ambulance bounced up and down and we went around corners. I am a total adrenaline junky. I completely admit that. The program itself was always exhausting because I ate, slept and breathed paramedicine for two years, but I loved it. I loved doing shifts with the local department as a student, and doing clinicals at the hospital multiple days a week. It was wonderful and I was on top of the world, nothing could touch me, I was invinsible and could do anything I wanted. I would push through my fears and just keep going no matter what.

Then came my internship in Las Vegas and though it was a good learning experience, it was also very traumatic and I was emotionally and mentally abused day in and day out by my preceptor/mentor (the person who watches over you and evaluates you as a student while you work). In a way, I lost myself in Las Vegas. I lost the old Liana, the fearless and strong Liana. She was gone and all that was left was a hollow shell of a girl that I hardly recognized when I'd look in the mirror. I was afraid of so many things and I would let fear overcome me and at time it would be paralyzing to me. Ever since then, I have been trying to fight my way back to be that old Liana I once was, but I feel as if I've continually failed over and over again ever since, stumbeling no matter how hard I try. I came back from Vegas and married my high school sweetheart and we went back to Idaho where we both finished our undergraduate degrees, and during that time I became a volunteer firefighter/paramedic with the local fire department. I was able to work with the men and women who had originally taught me in school, that I looked up to greatly. It was amazing to be working side by side with them as a coworker and not just a student. But deep down, I had lost so much confidence in myself, I gave up easily when I was scared and I wasn't the same person anymore. Through the years came more challenges of having a child and being ill both physically and mentally, trying to overcome post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), postpartum depression after my son was born, and depression, anxiety and at times extreme fatigue that plagued me. I tried my best to hide it and just keep going, though that didn't always work. Eventually I moved and recently had to quit working as a paramedic. My national certification has expired as of a few months ago, though I still have my state certification for another year. But I know that right now I am unable to keep working in EMS and Fire. It breaks my heart to a million pieces just thinking about it because I love it, I literally put so much blood, sweat and tears into my dream, and now I have to let it go because I've been unable to keep up physically and mentally with the job. Also, because of the adrenaline and waking up in the middle of the night and not always getting enough sleep, my adrenals are shot and I suffer from severe adrenal fatigue among many other things that go along with Chronic Lyme Disease and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. So not working in EMS right now is a good decision for my body and health. I hate it, but it's the truth.

So after painting a picture of my old self, it's hard for me not to feel like a complete whimp and weak because I can't exercise right now, there are days when I can hardly walk, I have many days when I pretty much drop and knock everything over that I touch because I can't get my hand to grasp the object well enough. I am shaky, body tremors, headaches, daily waves of nausea and I have to take very frequent breaks and rest all throughout the day. I can barely walk through one grocery store without being completely exhausted and needing to lay down. I physically sweat through multiple shirts a day sometimes. I am on so many medications right now, even my medic friends would be astonished and possibly think I'm a druggy. I have to drink fluids on a constant basis or I get deydrated very quickly (I'm talking within 1-2 hours), which excacerbates symptoms, or I end up with a migraine. I have to keep my body physically cool, heat exacerbaates my symptoms. So I spend everyday laying on ice packs and having a fan blowing on me to keep cool and to help with nerve pain down my spine. I can't care for my son by myself right now, so in terms of being a mother, I feel like a complete failure. I have to have IV meds twice a week and my veins are getting scarred and it's becoming harder and harder to give myself IV's without infilitrating a vein and having to poke myself multiple times trying to find a new vein to torture. No Matter where I go, I have to make sure that I have 2-3 bottles of fluids to drink both water and something with electrolytes like powerade, protein to eat, medications such as Percoset or Morphine for pain, Phenergan for nausea, Imitrex or Maxsalt for migraine headaches, and my usual large pile of daily natural supplements and vitamins I'm taking. Sometimes I have to be sure I have a pillow to keep me comfortable, an eye mask to cover my eyes when I start getting a migraine, and disposable ice packs that I can just crack and use to cool myself down if needed while out and about away from home where my reusable ice packs are kept. That is my life right now. But I'm writing this for myself to say "I AM STRONG!" I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy. I am strong because I can still function even when I feel like throwing up for half the day (guess that's better than the whole day!). I am strong because I can still smile from time to time even when I'm in excruciating pain on an almost constant basis, day in and day out. I am strong because I can give myself IV's and poke myself with needles and I can bear the pain, and I can do it myself... on myself (that takes total skill and I do feel proud about that, and very greatful for my Paramedic training, it has truly come in handy). I am strong and I am a fighter! I will keep fighting this disease and will try to keep my head held high even if it's physically hard to do sometimes, let alone mentally. I am strong even though I might have to be pushed in a wheelchair on family outings, or take an electric cart around a grocery store so that I don't tire myself too much. I am strong even though I can't do physical exercise right now, let alone barely walking very far. I am strong even though it's difficult for me to take a shower or bath and wash my body (I have to worry about losing my balance and falling over in the shower, and also tend to have to lay down right afterwards to rest. I am strong even when I can't dress myself very well, or I am dizzy and lose my balance on a constant basis. I am strong even if I pass out (which thankfully hasn't happened in about a month). I AM STRONG! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN BEAT THIS DISEASE! I WILL BEAT THIS DISEASE! To all those who may read this that are battling this disease, you are strong too! Keep thinking positively, it's really easy to think all negative (trust me, I struggle with this every day), but if you look at the good side of things, it will make it a little easier to bear the suffering.

 XOXO to all!
~ Liana